I just caught myself feeling numb. I have never experienced this in my entire life mostly because I am very passionate about anything I put myself into and I tend to have strong feelings towards my surroundings. Somehow I have come to this: numbness.

I started a post about something that is very hurtful and heartbreaking but I could not finish it because the feeling was just not there. Earlier, I went out with a friend and we started talking about this loss and I only realized how numb I was after I saw her crying and that pain of this huge loss reflected on her eyes while I naturally spoke about trivial events related to this. I don't want to share details yet because he deserves me writing about him when I am able to recuperate my feelings and be myself. He was my soulmate.

I am truly worried and wonder is this is something that will pass. I want to allow myself to be me, to feel and to be in contact with my soul but I am not getting there no matter how much I try. As I write, I wonder if this has anything to do with all the anxiety that current events are throwing at us. You know, COVID19, elections, holidays approaching, etc...

There was a time when I cried so much that I would go into panic and screamed grasping for air. I had to control myself because my mother now stays with me and I can't help to think that maybe I have suppressed my feelings for so long that they are just gone which would explain the numbness. Is that even possible? I don't know but I do feel like I want to be me. I don't want to worry my mom but I also don't want to deny myself the right to feel because my feelings are what makes me be me; they are what make Glorie Talk...


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