On his book The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho, my second favorite author (Isabel Allende being the first), said that "if you really want something the universe conspires to help you get it". I keep thinking about that and all the things that I have "really wanted" throughout my life vs the number of things I have actually gotten and it just doesn't add up.
Right now, I really want this job. a job that is very competitive and will definately put me on the right path to achieve my dream career. I have applied for dozens of other different jobs within the same line of business and nature and it just feels like my applications are not even looked at. It is so frustrating. I recently obtained a master's degree and my social work license but it just seems like every time I better myself it's simply not enough. After I finished high school, they wanted at least an associate's degree. I did that just to find out they now required bachelor degrees. Ok, got it. Then, they want a master's degrees (still cool). Finally, after literally almost falling into a deep depression state, I got my master's defying all the odds. But guess what? Now they require a license. Sure, there's Glorie, studying for her license and actually getting it.. But sure enough, now they want a clinical license or one million years of experience. I'm frustrated. I'm defeated. I do not expect life to go easy on me just because I had it tough but I just want a breeze of good luck or as Paulo said, I want the universe to conspire for me to get into this field which is very important for me.
I'm tired. Tired of always seeing the light but not being able to reach it no matter how close I get. And now that we are at it, let me tell you the story about 2 times that I actually got what I really wanted. I wanted to meet my other half and I did. I met a man that if I describe him to you here, you'd probably think he was an unicorn product of my imagination. His name was Joseph. He was handsome, smart, loved me to death (literal death), he cooked for me, pampered me, paid for this master's degree we just talked about and gave me a son! A son for who he cared better than I did myself. I even felt a little jealous, in a good way, of their relationship because I constantly found myself reminding them that I was the mother!! But as I have come to realize for myself and in others is that when you are used to mediocracy, you can't even recognize or appreciate the things that are worth it. Luckily, the day came in which I recognized how valuable this man was and how I actually loved him and cared for him. We created a home (what I really wanted!), wore matching sweaters for Christmas, threw Halloween parties for family and friend's children, traveled the world, started educating and raising our son in the middle of loving us crazily and achieving several professional goals... Then, one day, life just decided that I've had enough happiness, that it was not fair for me to raise a son loved so much by his father, someone, somehow decided that my one and true love had to be removed from the equation. One day, he passed away in the most cruel and unimaginable way, the same day that he had picked the venue for our future wedding, 4 days before our son turning 18 months, 3 months before me finishing my master's degree, one month before our Valentine's day weekend trip. Right in front of our son, right in the middle of winter, right before my eyes without me being able to do anything but see him die, powerless. Thinking about it every day as I have for the past 9 months, I actually had the power to not let him die of that asthma attack.. Only if I had called the ambulance sooner, only if I had been physically strong enough to turn him around to give him CPR, only if I had called the neighbors to help me turn him around. Only if, Only if, Only if, Only ifsss.. He achieved my most sincere the desire of being loved, of creating a family with a good man that actually made me happy and fulfilled every aspect of my existence. Now, my child has to be the one to grow up without his father that absolutely loved him to pieces, I am destroyed inside and out, tired, hopeless.. After getting what I really wanted for so little. He had just turn 30 years old. He encouraged me to create this blog so many times. He knew I liked to write, he knew everything about me because he took the time to learn it at the beginning and throughout our relationship. I miss him, I need him here and although I keep hearing that those who pass are resting forever and do not feel or hear, I can't help but to think that there's no way in the world he is happy where he is at now without his son. Without his family. Without the love that we shared and discovered together.
The first time I got what I really wanted was when I landed a flight attendant job. I wanted it so bad that I was willing to pay any price to get it and I did pay. Oh yes I did. Turns out this magnificent and elegant job left me in the negatives after every paycheck. I could not afford food or expenses because the pay was so low and the quality of life was just not there. I risked my relationship with my soulmate which eventually ended back then (although we did actually got back to have our son, but that took years and several broken hearts). I got into so much debt just to be able to sustain this lifestyle which I really wanted. When my debt was so high that I could no longer sleep or afford rent, a friend I met let me sleep on her couch for some time. To me, that was rock bottom. I came back home defeated and beyond broke. Not all was bad though. I met people who are still close to my heart and I got to do my fare share of travelling around.
Anyway, back to Coelho. When Joseph passed I decided to stop praying to God because it only seemed that things actually got worse when I did. I actually thanked God for all the happiness I was experiencing the night before my love suffered that fatal asthma attack. I told God I wanted to grow closer to him and pray more just 12 hours before my life was ruined. Just a week before, it was New Years Day and we held hands, prayed, thanked and asked God for many more years to come together. He was in the hospital for 7 days before the fatal news came back. Those 7 days there was people from all over the world praying for this wonderful man they have met and loved instantly. Everyone loved him instantly except me. For some reason I wasted years before I realized he was everything I always hoped for and just after I did, life played the joke of leaving his son an orphan. Our son. Maybe I'm wrong for this, I don't know. I believe in God; I want to. But when does He cut me a break? Do I have to wait until my life is taken to see the outcomes of my efforts? What is the point? Because all of this is that I am actually relying on Universe Conspirations now. I have plenty of stories of those things I really wanted that never came along or did come along as a way to make me suffer, like the flight attendant job. Like being a mother just to have to raise my son alone and with all of this pain that I know my baby shares.
I think I will utilize my little bit of hope left to summon the universe to help me get this one job. One more time... One more hope, one more chance.